the prayer I have been praying for days

With the tragedy this week in Charleston I know that many are writing their thoughts and struggles. I have read some of those blog posts and they are cathartic and resonate with the same desperation, sadness, frustration that I too feel. 

This is not another one of those. Or maybe it is. 

This past week was Annual Conference and I came home angry, broken hearted, and frustrated and not just for the usual reasons. Thursday morning the news of Charleston broke. I caught it on the screen as I waited for my bagel. I don't watch the news. I say that I do this because it makes me trust people less and to some extent that is true. I think that Jack Johnson asks important questions about the news (Bad News)... how can we distance ourselves from the heartbreak of the world around us and just be so non-chalant about tragedy? I don't watch the news so I don't see it. 
It's how I distance myself from the pain of the world. I numb myself to the pain around me. I close my eyes when I see it. I avoid eye contact when I am confronted with it. I feed the needy, but I do it from Costco. I clothe the hungry, but I do it from the safety of the church drop box. 

And it's shameful. 

Friday morning, it was that time at Annual Conference where we vote on resolutions. A young(ish) clergy in seer-sucker pants stood up and called the question to vote on three resolutions that dealt with homosexuality. That meant no discussion. Just a vote. The motion passed and as we prepared to vote a brave youth delegate stood up and asked that we discuss it. She said she wanted to hear the points. She wanted to hear what the wisdom of the Christian body was so that she could understand for herself and make an informed decision. It didn't happen. 

We did not want to have uncomfortable conversation. 
We shut her down.
We taught her that we do not discuss things that matter deeply if they make us squirm in our seats.

I don't know how much longer we can live in our isolated worlds, our safe little bubbles, and claim that we are being faithful. 

I really have been struggling with this; I have felt convicted. So, I wrote this prayer because I have been praying it for days now. This is the prayer that I read it in worship this morning (without the explanation above). 

We, Merciful Creator, are yours

you formed each of us in our mother’s wombs, 

you called us all by our names,

you counted the hairs on our heads

and yet 

and still

and despite

we close our eyes

we harden our hearts

we allow ourselves to be numb

Help us, dear Lord, to not lean away from the numbness

it is far too comfortable to intellectualize the pain of this world

don’t let us become complacent with the pain in our homes, 

the pain in our community

the pain in our nation

the pain in your creation

Don’t let us think it is normal for people to die because of hatred

Don’t let us think it is explainable for people to harm one another

Don’t let us think that it is just a part of life

Please God, don’t let us be rational any more

When we try to go about our lives as if nothing is wrong; 

send us an obstacle to slow us down and make us more aware

You did this for Balaam, now do it for us

When we try to hush the questions because we don’t want to feel uncomfortable, convict us that you are in our seeking, our doubts, and our confusion

You did this for the early church, now do it for us

When we are so lost in our daily tasks that we won’t take time to love one another, to hear one another, to make a way for one another; 

wake us to you

You did this Jonah, now do this for us

We seek to be your people, to claim the promise that we are yours and you are ours, teach us what it means to be faithful, obedient, and true. 

As we gather here in prayer

we remember those 9 who gathered just days ago to pray as well

in this moment we remember them and we pray for those who loved them

In the silence of this moment we grieve with those who experience loss

We grieve with those churches that now have armed guards to keep them safe when they come into your dwelling place

It’s a hard thing to weep with those who weep

It is hard to associate with the lowly

it’s an even harder thing to pray for those who persecute, those who do evil, those who destroy

and yet that it what sets us a part as Christian

we don’t seek vengeance 

we don’t seek revenge

so this morning, gracious God, we pray your blessing upon Dylann Roof

And others like him

we pray your blessing upon all of those that break our hearts

we pray your blessing upon those that destroy our sense of security

we pray your blessing upon those that taunt us, that tease us, that long to torture us. 

We are different because of who you are, 

you are the sustainer

the creator

the Savior

Now Help us to believe it and to live it

we're probably not going to starve

Wednesday morning we woke up in a panic. Crap, what are we going to eat?
I did lots of research about what foods we could and could not eat before Ash Wednesday arrived.
I just didn't buy them.
I was a little busy. You know, writing sermons, preparing for Ash Wednesday, being trapped in the house while hell froze over and oozed it's nastiness on Atlanta.

So, Ash Wednesday mornings rolls around and we don't know what we are going to eat for breakfast.
Start singing "Panic" by The Smiths right now.
sing alone here

I made scrambled eggs. Jim made homemade bread. We lived. I went to Whole Foods.
I planned all of the dinners beforehand, but the other meals were a slight oversight.
It happens.

A couple of trips to Whole Foods and we are okay. No we don't need to only eat food only from Whole Foods, but it is far easier to find food without sugar there. And when you ask the staff questions about foods without added sugar, they don't look at you like you have a second head growing out of your shoulder... like this dude.

We ate out last night and since it was a place we eat at every week,  they already knew we were kind of special and didn't mind our questions about the ingredients. I didn't just have to eat salad. All good news.

It has quickly become part of our lives. Hannah seems to struggle the most (but she can speak to that herself). Carter and Jim just eat what you put in front of them, thankful they didn't have to prepare it. I keep cooking. They keep eating.

So, in case you were worried... we are not starving.

Ash Wednesday and Doing Hard Things

It has been so long since I blogged that I honestly couldn't remember which website hosted my blog. My mind is catching up with my saggy face, apparently. Or I just need more coffee.

Anyway, Ash Wednesday is upon us again and once again I have decided to use these 46 days to prove that we do hard things. Last year, I gave up making trash. This year, I am giving up eating foods with added sugar. Insert health warnings here.

look at all the tasty stuff with sugar!
No more pickled, yogurt sandwiches :( 

The thing about last year's Lenten sacrifice was that I had never given up something that caused me to
talk about it so much. Bringing your dishes and tupperware to a restaurant and your own food containers to Whole Foods does make you stand out. It also makes people wonder what kind of a nut you are...and they would ask... So, last year, I talked to people on the street about my Lenten Journey all the time. And by street I mean grocery store aisles and restaurant chairs. It changed how I shop. It changed how we eat (processed food contains lots of packaging). Many of those changes are still in effect in our lives.

So, why added sugar?

It's not just about eating better. It's not just about making a theological argument about stripping away the unhealthy in order to honor your body as a temple. Nor is it about stop sugar-coating the Gospel.

But I am doing this because I do hard things. Hard things are like shaving your legs. You do it whether you want to or not, but you do it because it is the least that you can do.
And sure, I may loose a few pounds.
But that's just a bonus.

We have already started to make the shift anticipating Wednesday. Jim made two loaves of bread with  honey yesterday. Yes, honey is allowed. It's completely natural and someone probably got stung getting it for me. So, they did hard things.

Stay tuned... I will share any freak outs or panics!

can we sin now?

That is the question that Hannah asked me this morning after we had a conversation about why I was home and what I was planning on doing today. Included on the list was a trip to Costco.

Costco was the epitome of "sin" for me over Lent. Everything in big, bulky packaging and individually wrapped. There are few exceptions there, like mangos, but for the most part it was not a place to be ventured into.

So, when Hannah heard that I was going to Costco today, her first question was, "can we sin now?" because she wanted me to buy string cheese.

Can we sin now?

dumping my "sin" box

I emptied my "sin box" yesterday. It was mostly filled with microwave popcorn wrappers.

Most of the items in the box where items of convenience. I could have made popcorn myself and it would have produced less waste, but I chose to do it the easy way knowing that there was a place for me to put my sin; a place where my sin would be eradicated on Easter morning as I dumped into the trash can. The connection between my "sin box" and the resurrection are clear... I trust you them to make them yourselves.

But this morning after Easter I am pondering how many times we turn our backs on things that we know we should do out of convenience or inconvenience...

how many times do we not give to those who ask because we don't want to stop and take the time?
how many times do we buy things heavily wrapped in plastic because we don't want to take the time to make them ourselves?
how many times do we simply go through the drive thru because we didn't make time to prepare something beforehand?


Sins of convenience are about taking the easy way. My journey of no trash this Lent has made me aware that there are many other alternatives to the simple way. Some of these ways I will continue...

like bringing my own cloth napkin/silverware to restaurants
using my metal straw
composting
not putting my english muffins on a paper towel in the morning, but using a plate
using my cloth bags at the store

Some things I won't continue...
like shaking my hands dry when I forget to bring a towel with me into the public bathroom


This endeavor has made more aware of packaging and waste, it has made more aware of freshness of food and has made me enjoy cooking (kinda). I have appreciated the challenge of Lent this year. It has made me aware and thoughtful about my witness and how we care for creation. I hope that you, too, found your journey from Ash Wednesday to Easter to be one that challenged you and prepared you to celebrate Easter morning.

It's time for me to eat my Girl Scout Cookies now. They have been waiting for me. :)

only a few short weeks until Easter...composting, trash, recycling and dog potty humor

I am sharing these photos even though I am sure that I am doing this wrong, despite my research. Notice no picture of the inside of the composting bin.

Composting. It seems like dumping old food and some lawn stuff in a bin every now and then would create nothing but extra steps. That's a good thing.

I trust it will one day do its magic.

It has also created addition leg work and well arm work and back work for Jim because you see

Scout loves the compost bin. She has dug and dug until she has made her way under the wall and into the delicious rotting food. I mean she will snatch contents left in toilet for an afternoon snack. Gross.

Nothing says no licking my face ever again like catching that one. Then you just hope that it doesn't make your dog sick. That's the salt in the wound.
Just don't yell, hey--that looks familiar. Yuck.

Anyway, dogs aren't known for their delicate palates.

So, Jim nailed some boards around the base and this has kept the dog out for 3 whole days now. It's a record. Here are some pictures of her today trying to get to the onions, bananas, and coffee grounds.

So I did Jim a real solid today and took out the trash and the recycling bin. I thought that you would want  to see the difference. I may completely underestimate your interest in my life, but I am not known for my under sharing. 

 Inside of the black garbage bag is the one bag that I collected from the house--the white kitchen bag was less than half full. There was some other stuff in the black bag in the garage--wondering if it is more than one week.  But as I type this, I realize that I should have emptied the white bag into the black. Oops. 

But the recycling container is pretty close to full.

Now, I realize that my goal was to not produce trash. so why am I showing you trash? 

That trash comes from those other people who live in this house with me. 

No one say, let he who is without sin...

My trash goes in my sin box. 

and I haven't had to get a new one or a bigger one yet. 

so, there.

The rest of the family has produced a little trash, but it is far less than it was and we are all constantly aware of the products that we buy, what we bring home and figuring out how to reuse it or recycle it.  

don't bother looking for the wine bottles...

day 28...dude, I totally get the Amish now

Amish butter.
Yes, please, Jesus.

They sell it at Harry's (Whole Foods) and when I saw it last week, I was so excited to see this beautiful log of dairy goodness. It costs $10, but come on...It's a log of butter!

                                                                 I mean look at it!

Not only is this beautiful log of butter delicious, but it is far easier to deal with one wrapper at the end of the consumption instead of lots of little wrappers that might equal the same size, but with one large waxed wrapper I can reuse it for other things. So, yeah, Amish butter. 

Jim laughed at me. But, come on. You see the awesomeness, right? 

Second, I was thinking about community. Maybe, because I was putting some butter in the butter bell and the Amish certainly live in community, like the Jews (in particular Orthodox). Both religious groups live isolated from the world for several reasons. 

It is far easier to live a life set apart if you are with people who are also trying to live a life set apart. 

It is far easier to keep your difficult Lenten journey moving in the right direction when you are with people who are supporting you. 

So, today I give thanks to those that work with me and not against me...

... like the restaurants that let me use my own cup

... like my friends that pick restaurants that don't make it hard for me to make good environmental choices

... like people who bring me tasty treats in recyclable containers and clearly mark it so that I don't have to stand there and wonder what I am going to do with the container.

Thanks for the tasty food and earthly friendly container! 

I will post about composting on my next blog!  

day ___ who knows, really...isn't He risen yet?

I really haven't written because there hasn't been much new to say.

Every day I pack my Kashi blueberry waffle bag with a clean cloth napkin, metal straw and silverware. I usually just use them instead of the ones that the restaurant provides if I eat out. Probably more hygienic anyway.

Jim made me a compost "box" out back that we use daily.
Scout loves it.
Figures.

The "sin box" continues to get more full and I have realized that plastic is the anti-christ.
And why do people keep trying to put their trash in my "sin box"--they need to get their own sin box or just throw it away. My box is no scape goat for you. That's all I am saying,

stupid "sin box"

I have really struggled with being a Pharisee as people have offered to take my trash for me and to throw it away.  Thanks for offering to take my mint wrapper. They are piling up in the bottom of my purse. But I am going to have to remove them soon and add them to my box.

And my apologies to Mt Pisgah UMC for forgetting to take my "sin" with me this morning, but really, what I need you to do is find some more environmentally friendly coffee cups and plates than those plastic monstrosities that you offer people. (diverting my sin here) I used them because it was a district clergy meeting and really it is amazing people weren't whipping out flasks at that 3 hour thing and I was going to bring it home and add it to my box, but I forgot. I don't know what to do to make that right. I need Jesus to atone for that one.

Also, I should confess that I bought crescent rolls today and string cheese. The only reason why I did it is because Hannah is having surgery tomorrow and that is part of what she asked for to have tomorrow--dinner request for tilapia and crescent rolls. String Cheese for recovery food. Since it is surgery, I decided to get her favorite things. Willingly breaking my Lenten sacrifice. But I am thinking about Jesus and the spirit of the law verses the letter of the law and I think that in this case, it would probably be acceptable.

day seven...this is not the sweatshirt that you are looking for

some reflections on day seven 

(I know it is day eight, people) 

Last week in Christian Believer (bible study) we talked about the Christian Life and how because of your self-proclaimed desire to be more like Christ and your self-proclaimed belief in him (whatever that includes) your life ought to be different.

I grew up in a Christian household. Church for the most part was part of what we did; belief certainly was. My faith is something that I have worn like a comfy sweatshirt that marks my support for the home team. I don't wear it because it marks my support for the home team, I wear it because it is my favorite, it has always been there, even if it at times it has gotten pilly, been stained or the drawstring got stuck in the hood. I have worn it in the winter and I have worn it in the summer of my life. It has kept me comfortable and at times it has made me uncomfortable. It has made me feel at home with my people and it has made me like a stranger and an enemy with others.

But that sweatshirt has very rarely made feel as out of place like this Lenten journey.

If you know me, you know that I wear my faith like a jean jacket at a black tie event. I am real, the darkness of my life is real, the light that I have experienced is real. I don't know how to live another way and frankly, I have no interest in trying to figure out to. The fact that I referred to my faith as a sweatshirt instead of a techno-color-dream-coat says something in itself.

But bringing my own silverware and cloth napkin out to restaurants, looking at the recyclabity of plastics and packaging at the store, bringing my own containers to compost leftovers, and saying, "no, I cannot have one because of the way that it is packaged"--a lot-- has made me more aware of my faith than I have been in a very long time.

I have gotten very comfortable in my sweatshirt.

But this Lent I feel very exposed.
And I am good with that.
It is a great reminder to me that I should not blend in (which is hard for me to do anyway)
It's a great reminder to me that my life is always speaking about what I believe

day six...i am putting some weird things in my purse these days

day six


I start today by sharing this video. It is a commercial, but it goes along with my Lenten journey wonderfully. So, enjoy it. It's wonderful and funny.

For breakfast, I usually have a Bay's English muffin, because OMG, if you have ever had one you know why... I like mine crispy, with butter and a little cinnamon sugar.

So delicious.

kashi bag covering my portable utensil pack

But, the plastic wrap that surrounds these delicious tasty breakfast treats is not recyclable which leads me to a dilemma since I have ONE LEFT!  I can buy them and put the wrapping in my "sin box" (or read that as I can buy them and set myself up to fail) or I can find a new breakfast treat.

I decided to eat Kashi Blueberry waffles for breakfast. Of course, as I reached in the freezer to pull them out I noticed that there were only two left which I meant that if I had chose to eat them today or before 4/20 I would have to figure out what to do with the plastic bag that holds the waffles. Luckily, I thought about this yesterday as I panicking at the Costco and bought the box of 48 waffles, so I had a plan. I will recyclable the box and then re-use the plastic bags that holds the waffles. So, the first bag I am using as a protective covering for the napkin/fork/spoon/knife/metal straw combo that I carry with me in case I eat out.

I will also reuse the bags to pack snacks for Carter's lunch in... kind of like a sandwich bag.

Lunch was at Moe's. I knew when we decided to eat there that this particular choice was going to create some addition work for me to make it as least damaging as possible. I like to get nachos which are placed in a basket lined with paper and I like to get the queso on the side because they put too much on there. So, I knew going in that I was going to have to take the paper with me and wash out the container and reuse it. Unfortunately, they gave me enough chips to feed two tables which means that I had to do something with them. Instead of saving them until tonight to compost, I brought them back to the church (folded in the paper and stuffed in my utensil bag) and took them out to feed the birds. Since I don't put the cheese on the chips the paper was pretty clean and the chips were dry. I put them out for the birds and the deer that was here yesterday.

Dinner is going to create a problem. I have to provide dinner for the candidacy mentor group that I co-lead. I don't have a way to cook myself because of time constraints and take out packaging is not good. I am thinking that Whole Foods might be a safe answer. Their containers are compostable or recyclable. I will bring my plates/utensils from home to use and then wash them tonight. Will let you know tomorrow!

is it day five?

I may just start skipping days, because there is not much to talk about today.

I went to Costco. That is dangerous regardless of your Lenten commitment. I bought 2 cases of pellagrino for me. Glass bottles. Kirkland brand Zyrtec because you get one bigger bottle with kinder wrapping and less plastic and well, it was cheaper. It falls under the medicine caveat, anyway.

I made dinner, including popovers. I mention the popovers because I made them because the packaging on rolls would have to go into the "sin box". Yesterday, I added a dum-dum pop stick. Today, I added the wrapping to the box of altoids and the top to a wine bottle. It is still pretty empty so that is good.

I added onion casements and the mushrooms that fell to the ground while cooking to the compost pile and put a container in the kitchen for the coffee grounds yesterday. Yesterday, I also got out the reusable coffee filter (that Jim does not like) and used that when I made my coffee. Today, he used it :)

Like I said...not too interesting.

day four...composting and dining out

everyone needs one of these in their purse

Welcome to day four of the no trash journey for Lent.

Today, after seeing the IMAX movie Jerusalem we went out for lunch. I brought my own silverware wrapped in a napkin. There is also a metal straw that is not pictured aside, but you can see it below.

When we got home, I set up my cold compost. I am not going to post a picture because I am fairly certain that I did it wrong. :)  A layer of sticks/small logs over a layer of leaves. There is a rectangle of bricks around the pile.

We went out for dinner tonight.

This is what I have decided about eating out: it has a sense of being a Pharisee. I am letting other people throw out the trash for me. I am not using paper napkins or plastic straws, but it is starting to feel like a technicality. Like I don't care what you do as long as I don't have to see it.

Anyway, I am going to ponder this whole eating out thing.

day three... and we are going out for dinner!

I was going to start my compost pile today, but it was cold and rainy. I have collected no more items to put in it than yesterday, so no picture to update there. But I do have pictures to share. :) You are welcome.

Today was easier because I barely left the house. I went to Starbuck's and got coffee. I brought my own cup. The over caffeinated hipster behind the counter loved that my cup was an NPR cup. Look at how productive I was and I saved $.10. Wow. Amazing, huh.
If you look closely you can see the first part of Sunday's sermon. Spoiler alert: God did it.

 The second image to share for the day is my "sin box". It contains things I used that are not recyclable or compostable. Right now there is a plastic wrap from the lasagna with a sticker on it and the foil that I put on top of the lasagna. Apparently, buying a lasagna from Whole Foods was a bad decision for my Lent sacrifice. :( There is a cost for ease.

Today, really was a little easier. I ate snacks of fresh fruit and had left over macaroni and cheese for lunch.

However, I could not go out of ice cream after dinner because it does not come in a container that I can deal with. I am thankful that wine does, though.

This is not related to my Lenten journey, but the kids'. Carter decided that giving up string cheese was too hard. This is after his first thing which was trying everything on his plate which apparently Jesus doesn't want him to do either. Both kids decided that they were going to pray more often. 

This goes completely against the Ash Wednesday passage that says pray in private (Matthew 6), but here is a picture of them praying for Scout. 

I found it sweet. 

Scout was just happy someone touched her. 

day two learning and the exceptions

Okay, so I learned something today (besides day two was much easier than day one)...

whole foods will not put chicken in your tupperware container because they don't want to ruin it with a sticker. They didn't even think that I was crazy when I asked. They will, however, put it in a recyclable container....now I just have to figure out what to do with the sticker...

which leads me to...I am thinking of creating a collection box for the things that I cannot figure how to dispose of.  I will call it my "yeah, this is too hard" box or this pile of crap is going in the trash on Easter morning. Jesus has risen! My trash can is full!

Because it was decided on Facebook that the powder wrapper was not recyclable I decided to make homemade mac and cheese tonight. Jeez, people. I must really love Jesus. We are also having wild mushroom lasagna and brussel sprouts.

But really what I wanted to talk about in day two are the exceptions to thsi no trash rule. Because this is what people keep asking about. So, here are the exceptions that I have come up so far.

** if something is violently expelled from the body, whether human or animal, it can be cleaned up
with paper towels. I am not THAT committed to this.

** Lent cannot solve Carter's bed wetting issues, so pull ups will have to be excluded

** Hannah and her medical stuff is excluded

Now here is your part people.
Tell me

what other exceptions that I should consider

how do I start a compost pile? Right now I have a bin in the back yard where I threw my burnt toast and a half eaten banana. :)

day one... I thought I was preapred

Today is the first day of Lent. I have been planning this day for months. 
Mostly not even dreading it. 

At least, I wasn't until last night when I realized that today was the day. 


Day One of no production of trash. Remember that scene in Say Anything when Lloyd meets her dad for the first time and pulls out this beauty: I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.

I love him even more for that now.I am only 16 hours into this day and it has been hard. 

Partially hard because we have worship tonight and I had many last things to do to prepare for it that I wasn't planning on doing. When we are under stress we often cheat--we do things that we shouldn't and normally wouldn't (like sneak a cigarette or a glass of wine) and today it would have been so great to just drive through somewhere and get a fast meal as I took Hannah to her IEP meeting. But I didn't. waxed cups.paper napkins.greasy paper.

Today, I have wiped my hands on my shirt after washing them in the bathroom--thanks no paper towels
I have dried a dish on my scarf--once again no paper towels
I opened a candle and stood and stared it at for 3 minutes trying to decide what to do with the plastic that it was in. (I decided it was recyclable)
I went to store to buy some hand towels so that I could stop drying my hands on my clothes
While there, I looked at the packaging in the deli case trying to find something that packaged in a recyclable container (bc I couldn't plan ahead and pack a lunch this morning). 
I noticed that packaging is like a chastity belt.
I have pulled scrap paper out of the trash and walked it over to work room's recycling bin.

 I have been aware of my footprints today. 
and it makes me fear dinner. 
crap. 
I don't have time to cook a meal tonight. 

This day has been hard. Which I guess makes it a very successful first day of Lent.  

I still have 7.5 hours left in this day. I hope someone brings me a plate of food with just the right amount so that I don't have to start the compost pile tonight, a cloth napkin (which would be so much nicer if our dryer was working) and a glass of cold water. I don't think that will happen. So, I guess I will just have to be mindful of the way that consume all by myself.  

ministry is still better than mayonnaise

This week, I spent several days with clergy. in a good way. it’s not always a good thing. sometimes when clergy gather it feels more like a middle school lunch room than a gathering of children of God who are trying to share the Good News of God’s love.

as I drove up to camp glisson on monday, i was thinking about how hard the ministry is. now, as you read this, i want you to know that i cannot image myself doing anything other than ministry.

which is not a statement about my imagination.it is also not a statement about how i view my ability to be employable in other fields. there are very view jobs that i feel that without the right training i could not do.i could not do math for a living.i could not do mayonnaise for a living.i could not do crafts for a living.

there are however clergy who can’t imagine themselves doing other things because it is all they have ever done. some of these should find something else to do. they’d be happier. the church would be stronger. good people—just not where they should be be. 

while i love the ministry... i love being with people as they mourn, celebrate, remember; i love being a part of their most joyous and most desperate moments; i love helping them see God around them... and while i love all of these things and am marveled by the blessing that God has given me by calling me to this, i still believe in my deepest being that ministry is one of the hardest jobs ever. and i wouldn’t 
even if i could
change that for the world. 



but it’s not for everybody. 
i don't try to talk people into the ministry. i have on more than once occasion tried to talk someone out though. 

and I have made my fair share of mistakes in my ministry. i have hurt God’s kingdom. 

of course, not on purpose. but i have made mistakes. so, here are some of them.
i sure hope none of these are chargeable offenses...

I have not prayed for my congregation beyond myselfprayer changes things. not in the God is my favorite santa kind of way. but it changes how you view people. you cannot bring someone into your private time with God and not have it change the way that you view them. if i talked to God the same way that i talked to people in traffic then that wouldn’t be true. but even though i sometimes swear in my prayers i know that God hears, that God can handle those raw emotions and help me work through them so that i can handle them in public. 

i should pray specifically for my leaders every day. i should pray for the finances of the church everyday. instead my prayers are often give me wisdom, help me with this situation, and be with this family that is hurting.those are not bad prayers.
but i need to dedicate more specific time to praying for the church and her leaders in ways that would really make us the church. not in ways that make my job easier.  

I have been too comfortable i am me. i am casual. i am often offensive. sometimes, i get too comfortable with people who expect me to be some other way. i am no francis of assisi. hell, i am no francis bacon (which if i was going to be a francis i would pick one named after that awesome food); i am no francis asbury; i am no francis ford coppola. i am more of a frank. like being too frank. i have been known to be naked instead of transparent. and i realize that sometimes that has hurt. it has hurt others. it has hurt the kingdom. it’s hurt relationships. 

I have taken things personallyseriously, who hasn’t it. but when someone yells at you. when someone freaks out and goes after you, it is often not really about you. you can see it other people’s situations but it is hard to see it in your own. often times it is not about you. people treat you a certain way because of what is going on inside of them. this is hard to grasp when you are vulnerable and ministry is a place of vulnerability. 

I have struggled with how we treat the churchsometimes i just want to treat the church like a business: fire people who are lazy, manipulative, crazy, and haters. other times, i am reminded of my amazingly high ecclessiology. i want and expect the church to change the world and, damn it, the church seems like it cannot change a light bulb most days. as a matter of fact we can’t where i am not because they are too high end and no one can figure out how. so there. 

i want the best of both worlds most of the time. in essence, i forget about how special the church really is and i treat it like another business. i forget about the love, grace, sharing, compassion, and tender-heartedness that we are to embody. and that kills the church. 

we cannot forget. 
jesus says remember. 
because remembering is doing. 
and doing is changing. 
which leads to hope. 

it's okay to unfiend me on facebook...I understand

Apparently, there are 37 verses in the Bible about stumbling blocks.*
I find that impressive.
Maybe, impressive is not the right word there.

Surprised.

We have been tripping and falling over each other for a very long time.
We have been making each other lose sight of the important things for quite a while now.
We have been allowing others to make us feel ill or fail or to give up on ourselves.
Or even give in to ourselves.

I don't really want to write about that, anyway. I want to write about this general malaise that comes over me when I look at facebook lately. It goes back to that, though, I guess. More and more I find myself logging in (just kidding, I never log out) and being annoyed by the melodrama; angered by the political rants; jealous of others for many reasons (like they are vacation, like they are with ONLY adults, like they are drinking wine in a facebook photo and not fearing that someone will get all angry about it and email the DS, like they have girl scout cookies...); and overwhelmed by the desire to yell at people to be real for once.

And no, I don't think that facebook has gotten any more dramatic, fake or embellished. It has always been this way. It's called facebook. It's about appearances on many levels.

I just notice it more when I am not really in a good place in my own life. Like when I get stressed out about things or feel under attack or when I am trapped in house for days because of snow. I LIVE IN THE SOUTH FOR A REASON PEOPLE!!!!

I am not saying to dump facebook. But it's probably helpful at times to step back for periods.
You should step back from anything that takes you farther away from where you should be.
This is why I don't watch Fox News. It angers me.
This is why I hide some friends on facebook--their posts offend me.
This is why I don't eat mayonnaise--it makes me vomit.

Take care of yourself friends.
And if that means that you unfriend me on facebook, it's okay.
Really. I understand.  

Just take care of yourself. Look out for your own well-being.
You can't care and love others until you do it for yourself first.











http://www.openbible.info/topics/stumbling_block

starting anew

I have been become somewhat obsessed with the show The Biggest Loser. I used to make fun of people (like Adam Hilderbrandt) who watched it religiously. The idea of looking at overweight people cry, sweat and stand on a scale in something pretty close to underwear (frankly, I have some under garments that cover just as much if not more that what they are wearing) just is not my idea of a good hour or two. If they were "holy underwear" I would totally have watched. So shiny.

But this Advent I have spent a good bit of time catching pun on the Biggest Loser. Like I watched 3 episodes of Season 12 yesterday. We (I have sucked Jim and Hannah in, too) have also watched Season 13 during Advent as well. I have watched a lot of people prove that you get emotional when you are hungry. I have also watched a lot of people prove the point that if you want to make a change, you don't need to wait until a certain date to come…like January 1st…to make that change.

I can't tell you how many times I have this past week I have heard someone say, "…in the coming year, I am going to…" and most of the time the rest of the sentence has to do with eating better and eating less sugar. It's kind of like I am going to rehab tomorrow. That worked out well for Amy Winehouse by the way.

Here are my thoughts on that:

* it's nice to have a easy to remember start date to mark a change, but is it that much harder to remember December 30th than January 1st. come on, people.

* in Vedanta, they understand reincarnation to happen every moment. Every moment, you are born again. Every moment, you get a chance to start again. Every moment, you get to choose to be a new person. Every moment is the moment to become better. So, wait?

* remember that story of the man who was going to follow Jesus, but decided that he had a bunch of other stuff to do first and Jesus said you go right ahead and walked away (New Living Tara Paraphrase). we think that guy is all jacked up with the wrong priorities…there you go.

why I shave my legs for Jesus

Early in my ministry, I started a Saturday evening ritual called “shaving my legs for Jesus”.  The name pretty much describes it accurately. Every Saturday night, I would draw a bath and go through the painstaking process of shaving my legs. I know that people all over the world do this on a daily basis, some even awkwardly balancing themselves as they stand in a shower stall to do so, and they do this without thinking much about it and never realizing its theological significance. But stick with me, there is some. 

Now here’s the obvious question: does Jesus care if my legs are stubbly? I don’t think so. I have never heard the still quiet voice of God whisper to me on Sunday morning, “your legs are smooth—good and faithful servant”.

That’s not why I do it.

I hate shaving. I started doing it because I felt that was part of looking my best for church on Sunday.  As if somehow smooth legs represents a clean heart, a prepared message or a holy demeanor.

But shaved legs represent a cultural preference, not a Biblical mandate. There is no “blessed is she with the smooth legs, for she shall glide smoothly in the waters of Life”. It’s not there. I looked.

So, that is not why I keep this tradition alive. I do it because I hate it.

Yes, I do it because it is no fun. It is time consuming. It can be painful if you don’t pay attention or if you don’t use the right cream. It can burn when you are finished if you put the wrong things on too soon.

Sometimes ministry, whether it is ordained or lay, calls us to do things that we do not like: to go where we are sent, to stay when we want to leave, to talk to people unlike us, to show grace when we are angry, to be peaceful in situations of unrest. So every week, I do this thing that I don’t like because it reminds me that God calls each of us, including me, to do things that we don’t want to do. Obedience is often not convenient. It’s often not comfortable. So, every week, at least once, I remind myself that it is not about me. That’s it about a God who made himself more than uncomfortable for me.

  

what else?

last june i turned 39.

since then, i have made some changes in my life. i am not sure how many of them are a result of turning 39 or maybe starting to feel a little more mature (read as "old"). i don't think that the number in the age bothers me.  the fact that the North Georgia Conference of the UMC keeps raising the age in which one is considered a young adult helps. when i turned 35, i was at the upper crust of that, and then the next year it was changed to 36... and somehow when I was 38 the upper age was 40. it was kind of fishy how they kept raising it and then they decided that you could self-classify and if anyone can be a young adult then that moniker is useless. so, whatever. i am whatever age i am, and i will never self classify myself as something that i don't feel i am. so, i am no longer a young adult.

anyway, if you are wondering what changes I have made, here they are:

* became a pescetarian.  well, until i ate that bacon on 12.27. but it was so good and it was at cracker barrel on road trip so it totally shouldn't count. the bacon I made on Monday we won't talk about
* starting shaving my legs more than once a week
* started running (an exaggeration of what i do)
* started jazzercise (now work out 4-5 days a week--not all jazzercise)
* signed up for boot camp (for April)
* also signed up for a half marathon (the wine and dine at disney-though clearly the title wooed me on this one)
* bought a pair of spanx tights
* started washing my face (a couple times a week)
* started liking and cooking brussel sprouts and cauliflower
* i attempted to add mouthwash but it gave me sores
* and today, i put moisturizer on my face for the first time that it wasn't sunburned.

it's this last thing that really makes me feel my age. like i am a woman now or something...

and reminds how i can no longer care for my body like i am 12. sigh.

so, i wonder...what other tips do you have for me?
are there things that you have added that you think i would benefit from adding to my life? like more bacon. or girl scout cookies. let me know. because apparently, i am not open to doing new things.

a treasure in a fragile, clay jar...

I normally don't post sermons or things like that. I am not that decent of a preacher to bother with that embarrassment.  But this is the eulogy that I wrote for Donna Cannon's service today. It was a labor of love.  

Mark Twain said, “under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.” While his theology is often questionable, I think that Twain nails this one.  

This sucks, damn it.

I mean that in the most theology appropriate and astute way.

This just sucks.

We knew that today would come. We knew that everyday that we had with Donna was one more day that we shouldn’t have gotten to have with her. And yet, I think that I speak for many of us when I say that we never thought today would come.

I never thought that it would be me standing up here remembering Donna with you. Because it seemed that she defied and would continue to defy death and have more lives than all the cats in the Cannon household combined.  

I don’t know of anything that I can say that will make today easier. I don’t know of any magical set of words that I can recite, no time and tested proverbial saying that has been passed down from the mountains to the people below that I can wisely impart unto you… I got nothing that is going to change the reality of today. I know that…

We love her.

We miss her.

And damn it we want her back.

But that doesn’t mean there is nothing to say at all. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t hope. While I don’t have the magical cantation to make today easier, there is something that I can share that has the power to make our tomorrows better.  

You see Donna was a woman of faith. She knew Jesus. You only had to meet her once to know that was true. She wasn’t one of those over pious or pretentious Christians. Donna was real and so was her love for God.

She would question and she would get mad, but she knew her God was big enough to take it. Her God was big enough for her shouts, big enough for her cursings at Him, and big enough to stand in her presence and love her when she was scared and tired and in pain.

We need not worry about Donna anymore. We mourn not for her, for she is finally well. But we mourn for us. We ache because of the hole that her absence has left in each of our lives; and that hole will be with us until we see her again. And- we- will- see her again.

Because Donna had faith in a risen God. In a God that death could not conquer. In a god that rose and said I am making a space for you, for each of you. And because of this God we know that we will see her again. Because Jesus conquered death, we conquer death through him.

I want to read a scripture today that is from 2 Corinthians, chapter 4. It reminds me of Donna.

But we have this treasure in clay jars, so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be made visible in our bodies. For while we live, we are always being given up to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus may be made visible in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

 But just as we have the same spirit of faith that is in accordance with scripture—‘I believed, and so I spoke’—we also believe, and so we speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus, and will bring us with you into his presence. Yes, everything is for your sake, so that grace, as it extends to more and more people, may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

 So we do not lose heart. Even though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all measure, because we look not at what can be seen but at what cannot be seen; for what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal.

My friends, do not lose heart. Donna was a treasure trapped in a fragile, breaking clay jar. But from those cracks, the light of Christ poured out and warmed us all.  

We have come here today to celebrate Donna’s life and to remember not only who she was, but to celebrate and remember whose she is. Let us not forget that Donna belonged to God and she knew it. And while we may not have her physically near us anymore, we can be comforted by Jesus’ words to us—I will go and prepare a place for you—and that’s because Jesus’ death and resurrection means that our physical death is no longer the end of the road for us. It means that these bodies that weigh us down—wont’ slow us forever. It means that these hearts that ache for ones who are not with us—will be broken no more. It means that all that keeps us from feeling whole, will fade away. Because of Easter—death has no hold on us. Because of God’s love for us, we will see Donna again one day.

We grieve for us today. We feel an emptiness and sadness for someone we love that is not here. But let our hearts not be troubled, because Donna is home and Donna is well and we will be with her again.