the prayer I have been praying for days

With the tragedy this week in Charleston I know that many are writing their thoughts and struggles. I have read some of those blog posts and they are cathartic and resonate with the same desperation, sadness, frustration that I too feel. 

This is not another one of those. Or maybe it is. 

This past week was Annual Conference and I came home angry, broken hearted, and frustrated and not just for the usual reasons. Thursday morning the news of Charleston broke. I caught it on the screen as I waited for my bagel. I don't watch the news. I say that I do this because it makes me trust people less and to some extent that is true. I think that Jack Johnson asks important questions about the news (Bad News)... how can we distance ourselves from the heartbreak of the world around us and just be so non-chalant about tragedy? I don't watch the news so I don't see it. 
It's how I distance myself from the pain of the world. I numb myself to the pain around me. I close my eyes when I see it. I avoid eye contact when I am confronted with it. I feed the needy, but I do it from Costco. I clothe the hungry, but I do it from the safety of the church drop box. 

And it's shameful. 

Friday morning, it was that time at Annual Conference where we vote on resolutions. A young(ish) clergy in seer-sucker pants stood up and called the question to vote on three resolutions that dealt with homosexuality. That meant no discussion. Just a vote. The motion passed and as we prepared to vote a brave youth delegate stood up and asked that we discuss it. She said she wanted to hear the points. She wanted to hear what the wisdom of the Christian body was so that she could understand for herself and make an informed decision. It didn't happen. 

We did not want to have uncomfortable conversation. 
We shut her down.
We taught her that we do not discuss things that matter deeply if they make us squirm in our seats.

I don't know how much longer we can live in our isolated worlds, our safe little bubbles, and claim that we are being faithful. 

I really have been struggling with this; I have felt convicted. So, I wrote this prayer because I have been praying it for days now. This is the prayer that I read it in worship this morning (without the explanation above). 

We, Merciful Creator, are yours

you formed each of us in our mother’s wombs, 

you called us all by our names,

you counted the hairs on our heads

and yet 

and still

and despite

we close our eyes

we harden our hearts

we allow ourselves to be numb

Help us, dear Lord, to not lean away from the numbness

it is far too comfortable to intellectualize the pain of this world

don’t let us become complacent with the pain in our homes, 

the pain in our community

the pain in our nation

the pain in your creation

Don’t let us think it is normal for people to die because of hatred

Don’t let us think it is explainable for people to harm one another

Don’t let us think that it is just a part of life

Please God, don’t let us be rational any more

When we try to go about our lives as if nothing is wrong; 

send us an obstacle to slow us down and make us more aware

You did this for Balaam, now do it for us

When we try to hush the questions because we don’t want to feel uncomfortable, convict us that you are in our seeking, our doubts, and our confusion

You did this for the early church, now do it for us

When we are so lost in our daily tasks that we won’t take time to love one another, to hear one another, to make a way for one another; 

wake us to you

You did this Jonah, now do this for us

We seek to be your people, to claim the promise that we are yours and you are ours, teach us what it means to be faithful, obedient, and true. 

As we gather here in prayer

we remember those 9 who gathered just days ago to pray as well

in this moment we remember them and we pray for those who loved them

In the silence of this moment we grieve with those who experience loss

We grieve with those churches that now have armed guards to keep them safe when they come into your dwelling place

It’s a hard thing to weep with those who weep

It is hard to associate with the lowly

it’s an even harder thing to pray for those who persecute, those who do evil, those who destroy

and yet that it what sets us a part as Christian

we don’t seek vengeance 

we don’t seek revenge

so this morning, gracious God, we pray your blessing upon Dylann Roof

And others like him

we pray your blessing upon all of those that break our hearts

we pray your blessing upon those that destroy our sense of security

we pray your blessing upon those that taunt us, that tease us, that long to torture us. 

We are different because of who you are, 

you are the sustainer

the creator

the Savior

Now Help us to believe it and to live it