letting the doors open

this week i am preaching on prayer and so i have been thinking a lot about it. been thinking about why i pray. how i pray. when i pray. realizing that i should pray more because being able to talk about how i pray or that i pray or that i will pray makes me feel more holy.

how i pray is far more in touch with anne lamott's approach of "help me, help me, help me..." and "thank you, thank you, thank you..." than it is with the beautiful prayers of henri nouwen or any of the saints of old.

this is a typical tara prayer:
sigh. god, why did i say that? am i ever going to learn? okay, maybe i will. help me deal with the ramifications of being an idiot. i pray that they are not too bad or too big or too memorable.
help me not tell ______ what i really think when they ask me that stupid question AGAIN. or at least, help me say it in a nice way or in a confusing way so that they doesn't understand it and want to drop it.
sigh again.
god, work in me so that i am a lot more like you than i am like me.
maybe, i am just really tired. would a vacation help? where should i go? i do love the beach? oh, the air as it comes off of the water. the warmth of the sand. cool drinks in the warm air. the smell of the salt. i will come back to that when we are done here. sorry, god.
help me lead the people that you have entrusted unto me. lead me so that this is not about me. i want to be obedient--show me your way.
be with _____...


I try not to call people names in my prayers. i dont think that god likes that. now, you know why i have been thinking a lot of prayer this week. my prayers are quite pitiful. i believe that scripture that god knows the moanings of our souls and the holy spirit interprets them. for me my moanings are sighs.

I was thinking about prayer a couple of weeks ago as i was laying in bed saying my prayers at night. I remember when i went before the board of ordained ministry to be commissioned and this man (laity) was so mad that i prayed at bed time. he said that he hates it when ppl say that they pray at bed time bc when you pray at night you fall asleep and you are not giving god your best-- you are giving god your last. at least, i think that was his point. this is why i always pray at night (other times are not so scheduled and ritualized): when i pray at night it is to open the doors and let my day escape. i deal with the good moments, the bad moments, the frustrating and challenging and spend that time with god telling Him about what is on my heart. i let the doors open so that the stuff that i keep compartmentalized can run free for a while. i used to pray at night to raise the walls--like as a protection against things that go bump in the night. but now, those things that go bump in the night are things inside of me and i need to let them free, not trap them with a wall of protection. so i lay quietly, with conan on in the background and tell god my hopes and fears and stresses and pains and let all of them mingle in the goodness of god... hoping that like bubbles in the water they will evaporate and dissolve. knowing that they will, but sometimes it takes time.

now there is a part of prayer that is listening. and honestly, i am not very good at that, at least not at night. i have to find silence to hear god. listening is for the morning. for when i am alone in the sanctuary before the staff arrive at the church. sitting listening to the wood beams creak and pop. in those moments i hear god. i open the doors here, too. i find that i have to make room for the Presence.

i wont be sharing these thoughts on sunday. i am too busy hoping that i can muster up enough stuff to divert their attention away from me :)